happy 60

My dad would be 60 today.

Last night I cried and cried ... and then cried some more when I realized I wasn't just missing him, but felt so very lucky just to have had that big guy in my life in general...

And then I cried some more as I remembered him saying (teasingly with a big smile on his face), "You're so lucky to have me, kid."

Oh, papa bear, you have no idea...

for dad

Michelle, me, dad & baby Honey

"Those good times with your dad are happening right now. They’ll always be happening. You deserve to keep those alive." - Bones

"I used to joke that you could probably give my dad the street name and local plants growing nearby and he could tell you exactly how to get home from where you were based on that. The truth is, my dad was good for a lot of things: tractor rides, good hugs, sound advice ... and if you ever needed a scary-looking guy standing beside you." - I wrote that down more than a year ago. They were words I wanted to say about my dad when he passed away ... but I didn't say them during his memorial. I couldn't and it was probably for the best because no words were really necessary after his friend, Rick (I love Mr. Nezzie), did.

It's been a year since he passed now though, a year today...

I'm not going to detail this past year because as much as I'm a sharer, this past year has made very little sense to me. Like when his birthday went to hell last year, I bought a bottle of good gin because I just couldn't get the imagine of my dad stirring gin, tonic, ice and lime around with the knife he'd use to cut the lime. What an odd thing to be so focused on, right? Just a knife swirling around those ingredients. I can see it so clearly, something so simple and pretty ridiculous. Then, I spent the rest of the afternoon in the bathtub (with those ingredients in a glass on the side of the tub) because mermaid behaviors make everything better - not all better, but better.

I'm not going to write about our last conversation even though I could - I remember it so distinctly even though I've tried not to by not really writing it down or talking about it.

dad, Sadie & Kyleigh

I won't go into the ridiculous, but very real confusion when I arrived at the hospital and wasn't sure what was going on - why were we waiting? What was going on? I couldn't get myself to ask those questions and no one actually said, "He's gone."

I'm not going to go into all the times I've forgotten he's gone, looked for him waving to me from the bathroom window or wondered when he'd slip out during a gathering to try to sneak food.

There are lots of sad things I could write about, but I'm going to try not to...


Instead I'm going to try to lay out things I was lucky to have, even though they are lots of things I'll never find again in anybody else... And, please don't confuse the following - I'm not saying this is who my dad was. I'm just saying this is who my dad was to me...

~~~

dad and his 1969 Camaro convertible

He built that Camaro (with a lot of help) piece by piece - I know this isn't unique, but I don't know many dads that have done that. He had work, he had us, but he still had hobbies too and I think that's pretty cool when so many people come home from work already completely spent or exhausted.

When I was very little (and even when I was not so little) and sleepy or sick, my dad would rub my ear lobe - back and forth, big calloused fingers so soft on my ear. I'm not sure if this is why I pulled on my ear in my sleep or if I did that first and then he started the rubbing, but to this day one ear is bigger than the other and it's the one I pulled on/my dad rubbed.

My dad had a good laugh and smile.

Goldens - granted Sunshine was BOTH my parents' first baby, but I will forever need a Golden in my life since one has been there for every moment.

My dad did landscaping for a very long time and I can remember the way he would sketch out the way things would grow - he didn't just think about what would look good in the moment, but how things would grow, when different plants/shrubs/trees would bloom and what kind of care would be necessary.

He had strange collections. He always had good taste, don't get me wrong, but my dad had straight up collections of some very random things - clocks of any size, chairs (even if they weren't whole - missing legs, backs, rods, etc), oil lamps, jars of coins, binoculars (in hindsight, we had a lot of pairs of binoculars than most people, I think), clamps, shovels of various shapes & sizes (and they each had a purpose, I'm sure), etc.

My dad was my softball assistant coach and a timer for the swim meets that my sister and I were in.

On one of my first rescue missions, a hoarder's house, I was so desperate to get cats out that I was handing them out to just about anyone willing to take them... One place was not so great and when I went to get the cat back, they refused - they sent me awful, awful emails and said I'd never get the cat back. Teen-aged me headed over to their address ... with my dad. A guy answered the door, looked down at me and, loosely held a not so nicely barking Doberman, he told me to go away. My dad stepped up behind me, put his hand on the door (so they guy couldn't shut it) and said, "Dobermans. Nice dogs. We've had them." Then something to the extent of, "We've called the police. They're not on your side. Now where's my daughter's cat?" I don't think I would have gotten that cat back if anyone else was with me.

Unk, Uncle Dick & dad on Thanksgiving

I can't think of a time my dad didn't have a pocket knife on him. It was a good go-to gift for him (and I got him a couple on vacations I took) and he really did always find a use for them - like cutting off drink straws that were way too big. He did that a lot for us when Shell & I were little.

The man gave really good hugs - I mean, really good hugs - big, warm hugs with sometimes a little shake, extra squeeze, pat on the back or a little back rub thrown in at the end.

I always felt my dad was really generous - like at the very fiber of who he was, he was generous with his time and attention.

I know I mentioned this above, but the drink mixing thing. I don't know why that's so distinct in my mind, but it is - just mixing away.

My middle name it Lyn, my sister's is Marie, my dad's mom's name was Marilyn - I always thought that was a really neat, really creative way to indirectly honor his mom with both of us and another way to forever connect my sister and I equally to one another and to her.

The rescue I was with when I was younger had an annual yard sale. It was usually me, a couple other volunteers (ladies mostly) and my dad unloading the tables for the yard sale early in the morning. He was at every one...

Obviously with his giant-ness, he was one of the best for throwing you up in the air in the pool.

Back in the days before Facebook, you'd just get these weekly emails of dogs that would either be saved or killed. One of my first dog rescues I did was a transport up from Georgia. A dog I had been emailed about no one else was stepping up for, so I did. Well, the transport was running late - really late - a whole day late! The dog's transport was no longer arriving early Saturday, but Sunday ... right in the middle of a friend's wedding. My dad and I left in between the wedding ceremony and the reception to go pick the dog up.

If my dad didn't know someone in a room, he would soon enough. Without a doubt, the man could seriously make friends (or at least get a conversation going) with just about anyone and anywhere ... I can't deny I feel a little lost in a crowd without him now.

My dad always reminded me of a bear up against a tree when he'd scratch his back on the corner of a wall.

Although my dad had a very "I'm doing it and I don't care what you think about it" attitude, he also had a very deep rooted sense of what was right and wrong. He had strong opinions, but they were often hard to argue with because they weren't just based on "because I said so" or "that's just how I feel", he had sound reasons behind them. He was a meticulous guy, even in his opinions.

It takes some time to pull the memory sometimes, but I can close my eyes and see all the outlined tools - different hammers, saws, wrenches, etc - on the basement wall and the garage wall. Everything had a place ... even if that place was a old glass jar filled with similar knots, bolts or screws.

Heather, dad & me

Although tractor rides in the bucket around the farm were fun, I don't think there was anything quite like tractor rides around Wenonah with my dad. Who had a tractor in Wenonah? And who in the world loaded up their kids (and used the gas) just to take a spin around? My dad. The tractor also came in handy for Wenonah parade floats too!

He may not have always been patient, he may not have walked me through every step to teach me, but my dad never left me out - if there was a project, I was going to be there even if it was just to hand him a nail when he needed it or pick up the big sticks/twigs around the property so he could rake.

Avalon beach

When I couldn't drive myself, my dad drove me everywhere and we always listened to my music. It didn't occur to me until a lot later that aside from a handful of musicians and bands, I had no idea what some of my dad's favorites were because he always just listened to whatever I wanted to put on. I love music, I hate listening to stuff I don't know to hum along to or don't like, so in my opinion, that was pretty selfless of my dad.

Speaking of that, there was never any shame in calling my dad or guilt trips when he picked me up no matter what time it was or where it was. He'd show up. I hope he knew I knew (and appreciated) how reliable he was...

I know there's a logical pattern that's best to cut grass and how you can down-shift the gears in your car to slow down if all else fails because of my dad.

mom & dad

BOTH my parents made such an awesome team together - at the very bottom of everything they made an awesome team and I think that was such an amazing gift as an example of how a relationship should be.

I remember painting the little sitting room in the Pittsgrove house a light blue with him. He was done work and I had skipped class - it was just us, alone, talking and making that house a little bit better.

Two years old or twenty-two years old, the man could pick me up. One of the last times I was horribly sick, I was house sitting. My dad drove there, scooped me up off the bathroom floor, put me in the back of the car, drove me home, picked me up again and put me in bed (for my mom to take care of me).

When we moved to the Pittsgrove property, we had two ducks of a mystery age - dad loved them! One winter we had not seen one for awhile and we finally spotted them with our binoculars on the island. The lake was frozen and I will never forget my dad wrapping a rope around a tree and the other end to himself. All I could think was "I know the reasoning behind this, but, dad, you're huge. I don't know how I'm reeling you in if you fall through!" Thankfully, he didn't! He walked out across the ice and checked on the duck.

If anyone has a Doug Wesh story or even just a characteristic you saw in him & miss, please send them to jerseyjennyw@gmail.com I'm going to compile them, so please share.

my college graduation

Lots and lots of people remember and obsess about just the good when someone passes, but seriously my dad was a good guy with a lot of people that loved him. I was lucky to have him, lucky he was my dad and lucky he was 110% there for me. Yard sales, plays, soft ball, rescues, car rides, late nights out partying, swimming ... if my dad wasn't involved, he was there.

“If only given
four words to say they would be
Thanks For Loving Me.”
— Daily Haiku on Love by Tyler Knott Gregson

"It is hard to say goodbye. It is hard to understand that the vibrant light of who they were is gone. To never look into their eyes and see love and understanding. I do not know how to say goodbye..."

Came Across This...

I just came across this (below). It's from almost 3 years ago and at first I was completely confused, but the more I think about it, I want to say it was a list of what I'd do if I hit the lottery (visualizing, yay!). Ugh...

THE LIST

- a house
- a cell phone
- money to go back to school (counseling)
- some place nice for my dad to go/spend time at &/OR someone certified to take care of dad

Dad

Memorial Garden Fund for my dad

“It's so much darker when a light goes out
than it would have been if it had never shone.”
― John Steinbeck

I keep planning on writing this big post about him. I was going to for the month mark, then on his birthday, then I planned on Father's Day ... but when it comes down to it, I just can't bring myself to actually write it all out. I find other things to do, I get nervous about how upset I'll get, etc. I just can't. Maybe soon.

For now, let me say that I'm not sure there's been a brighter light or more stellar example of a man. Everyone that knew you loved you and I'm thankful to know how much you loved me while you could. Miss your light...

Inside The Mind of Frontotemporal Degeneration

Inside The Mind of Frontotemporal Degeneration: http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2012/05/09/inside-the-mind-of-frontotemporal-degeneration-a-patients-story/

Ending Testing

Interesting discussion about ending testing and the treatment: (the link)

You're Still You

Crank this up (as Josh Groban should be listened to)

"You're Still You"

Through the darkness
I can see your light
And you will always shine
And I can feel your heart in mine
Your face I've memorized
I idolize just you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
I've loved you for so long
And after all is said and done
You're still you
After all
You're still you

You walk past me
I can feel your pain
Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same
You're still you
After all
You're still you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
And I believe in you
Although you never asked me to
I will remember you
And what life put you through

And in this cruel and lonely world
I found one love
You're still you
After all
You're still you

Happy Birthday, dad

may 20

reporter: I know it’s cheesy, but it must be nice that people really loved your dad. It must be a great comfort.

"Oh yeah, totally -- that’s one of the gifts he gave. Anytime you’ve had a parent and they’ve gone around creating goodwill...

To have a stranger come up to me and share a story like, "I was at a coffee shop and there was nowhere to sit and your dad stood up and gave me his seat." All those tiny stories, he never would come home and talk about like, "Guess how cool I am?" It’s just those tiny little moments that make up a whole person. It’s really nice to hear them." - Jason Ritter on his dad, John Ritter.

I know and have that feeling about stories of my dad too.
Happy birthday, dad <3

FTD Info

Link of the day: Frontotemporal Dementia: Introduction

FTD Info

Link of the day: Common Causes of Dementia

FTD Info

Link of the day: http://bvftd.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-frontotemporal-dementia-and-herbal.html

FTD Info

Link of the day: Dementia and the Struggle to Stay Healthy

FTD Info

Link of the day: Holly Eburne's website

FTD Friday

An interesting open discussion on "How Can Communities Prevent Caregiver Burn-Out?": link here

FTD Support

Link of the day: http://ftdsupport.com/

"Coping With Frontotemporal Dementia"

Link of the day: A really interesting blog reporting a family's experience with FTD - Coping With Frontotemporal Dementia

caregiving.com's Holiday Blog Party pt 3

I had an announcement to make today, but that's been put on hold for now. Oh well. Hopefully soon I can make that caregiving announcement and bring a little more help in. Continuing on with caregiving.com's Holiday Blog Party all the same...

Going through the motions of a loved one being sick enough to need a caregiver is not easy on anyone, let alone the caregiver. The stress can so easily be overlooked, can overshadow good things going on or morph into some big, ugly, green giant. These aren't easy on anyone involved in general.

I had so much more I wanted to say, but I just can't tonight. I'm not even home caregiving and yet I'm completely burnt out. Ugh. I'm sorry everyone. Maybe I'll add more later.

Happy blogging.

caregiving.com's Holiday Blog Party pt 2

Continuing on with caregiving.com's Holiday Blog Party and posting, I'll add some information on my dad that is pretty new to me still...

He gained 5 lbs thanks to my sister's new habit of feeding him almost every hour. Unlike other FTD patients who gain weight, my dad has been losing it - drastically! This happened a couple years ago too, it was actually one of the reasons we really pressed to get a diagnosis. He's down to 175 lb now (he was 170) and bloodwork, body scans, a scope, etc. have not given us any answers. Feeding him every hour (and pretty good size meals too - like Shell will make him a loaded sandwich and soup) is the only thing helping, but it's expensive! I can only imagine the food bill ... who'd think you could LITERALLY be eaten out of house and home?!

Also, the study that my dad has been a part of for the last 3 1/2 years is no longer going to see him anymore. Through this program, my dad had pretty frequent visits to a neuro/FTD specialist at the University of Penn every 3 - 6 months. They did testing during Also, once a month a med student was out asking my dad questions for the study. I remember some of the testing they did with him while I was there was something like a photo with some birds in a tree and on the ground and they'd ask my dad how many birds were in the tree to see if he answered that correctly or just answered how many birds he could see in general. They'd also ask him say the word to identify things in a photo. They were also always available for questions, suggestions on increasing/decreasing meds or helping us identify FTD symptoms.

I guess my dad has now progressed to the point that he is no longer assisting in the study. He doesn't really answer questions much anymore and when he does, you're not even sure if it's the right answer to the question you asked. At his appointment the other day, my mom said when my dad was asked what day it was, he answered something like April 1998 (not sure on the exact month, but yea - 1998!). The doctor also said that it is very obvious and very quick that my dad becomes anxious over answering questions now. What a shame...

I'm not sure what this means for my dad's future care. I was under the impression that the med students coming out once a month, the meds, the appointments at the U of P, the MRIs and such were all extended to us and my dad for free because of this study. If that's the case, I'm not sure what my dad's current insurance covers and that's concerning...